After watching episode 4 last week, I was ready to churn out an insightful post on the episode, but it turned out to be a total mind-fart. It’s not that I had a sudden Kure-nai writer’s block (I wouldn’t want that to happen D: ), but rather because the post I had in mind for episode 3 continued to linger in my head, as though haunting me for taking it for granted O_O So here I am, writing down this long-overdue piece dedicated for episode 3 and the sudden burst of thoughts I had thanks to that train scene (and also some bits in Murasaki x Tamaki’s convo). OGT already gave his insightful thoughts on this one, but I thought it wouldn’t hurt if I expound on it a little further, and add my own personal touch.

The train scene in episode 3 really hit close to home, as it mirrored one of the great struggles I faced with for years — being assertive and confrontational, having the guts to stand up for what I believe in, a sincerity vs hypocrisy struggle – a struggle I’d like to think as ever-present in non-liberal Asian countries like Japan and ours, among others.

A [Confusing] Prelude

Feel free to skip this part, or just beware of the confuzzled cluttered thoughts x__x

I would’ve done this too, way back when I was a kid.

Everything was wayyy simple when we were kids. We were taught about what’s good and bad, as though they were simple black and white kind of things. For example: early on, we learn that talking bad about people, criticizing and being brutally frank is not good, because it’ll offend the person and make him/her think less of himself/herself. And being the brutally frank outspoken little kid I was (similar to Murasaki), I was reprimanded for my actions because I was going against this social norm. But then things get complicated when both the ‘good’ and ‘bad’ we thought turns out to be far more complicated — it has these what we call ‘gray areas’, as was shown in the train scene in this episode of Kure-nai.

With regards to the supposedly negative frankness for example, we later learn that while doing this isn’t the most acceptable thing, it’s also not good if we become hypocrites and put on the pretense that we’re friends with a certain someone when in fact we are repulsive of him/her. And depending on how we were brought up, other factors such as self-consciousness and lack of confidence might come into play and render us unable to speak our minds (which is exactly what happened in my case).

As for a ‘good’ that suddenly become skewed and complicated, we have the concept of morality and kindness as was shown in this episode, which I could relate to very well. You see, I used to be a cheerful little kid who readily befriended people I have close encounters with, may it be in school, in church, etc. And as I was taught to be kind and generous, I did so to the people I meet, regardless of their race, social standing, etc. But then even these turned out to be far more complicated, partially due to my Chinese upbringing’s jaded and partial view of society. Naturally, there’s this cynical view that not all people are good or worth befriending or being kind to, especially non-Chinese (yeah my family’s racist and all that, probably because of past experiences which made them even more cynical than they already are =.=; ).

Despite not fully embracing this Chinese mentality (racist is never a good thing), I won’t deny its influence in my behavior, especially way back the immature stage of my life (the identity crisis stage). And when our Chinese calculative mentality kicks in, we start rationalizing things in terms simply doing things that benefit us, and ignoring the rest (i.e. being apathetic to the plight of other people). The lack of open-ness in our family, where we were made to conform to a set of rules and beliefs without having to question them, also didn’t help in making things better. It just further blurred my sense of individualism so to speak, as I allowed myself to be brainwashed by all these =[

On The Murasaki’s in Society

Murasaki and the apathetic people.

Going back to the train scene, it should be noted that the Murasaki’s in our society who fight for the idealisms they believe in, especially in public, can either be deemed admirable or plain stupid. First of all, you’d have to note that there are no tangible benefits for the defender of justice in these situations. Aside from causing herself additional stress due to getting worked up, she is making herself an open target to criticisms of the public eye — the peace-loving people who dislikes public scandals, those will view Murasaki’s behavior in a negative light. Now if the one being reprimanded steps back and accepts his/her fault, well, mission accomplished, but there’s still no benefits in this case (except for an ego-boosting effect perhaps). On the other hand, if the one being reprimanded reacts violently, like the case in Kurenai episode 3, the patriot can only take whatever insults, criticisms, verbal or physical damages that will result from her patriotism.

Defending yourself in public when people disrespect you or treat you like shit can already be difficult, given the issues complicating adult minds like social norms and reasons stated above. It becomes even more difficult if you were to do this for the sake of a stranger, especially if you were brought up to be apathetic. I mean, will you be willing to sacrifice your social comfort zone as well as your reputation, all for the sake of someone, a stranger even? It’s not an easy decision, and more often than not we find ourselves choosing to not leave our safety net and just ignore the situation. It’s for this reason that I look up to people like Murasaki, those who are willing to fight for what they think is right despite knowing that the negative consequences this will result to more often than not outweighs whatever good intentions they have.

While some people really have become stone-cold and apathetic to the plight of other people (which is really sad), I do believe there are those who want to do something about these situations but can’t bring themselves to, like Shinkurou. The older we become, the more we complicate things, and we spend so much time worrying and hesitating only for it to end up as a total act-fart (if there’s such a word).

Evidences of My Assertiveness and Cowardice

…and I only understood it now.

Despite having a certain sense of Murasaki-assertiveness, I do think I’m still a coward like Shinkurou, for the most part. Let’s take for example my day-to-day train commute struggle adventures, where respectable (?) people (regardless of gender) turn into savages the moment the train doors open (or even before it fully opens) – they push, claw, bully, rake, and shove past people without remorse, just go get their way in T__T (They are _that_ excited). I don’t really have the guts (and tactlessness) of Murasaki to reprimand these people the way she did, so I do it subtly, like blurting out sarcastic remarks or giving an EVIL GLARE at these apathetic orcs. It’s half assertiveness and half cowardice, because I still am trying to protect my reputation as I do this.

Another case in point, as I was taking down notes for this post during my commute, there was this insensitive bastard sitting beside me who’s suffering from a Restless Legs Syndrome. This is something done unconsciously, I understand, so I tried not to be pissed. But then he suddenly takes out his cellphone, puts it in full volume, and starts playing his favorite songs without wearing his earphones, as though he wanted the entire train to hear it! This, together with his RLS + conscious stomping to the beat + snapping his fingers in tune with the music, really annoyed the heck out of me T___T I was thinking of reprimanding him for this extremely rude behavior, but it seemed that the other passengers didn’t really care, so I kept silent. I just mumbled a sarcastic remark about the reason why earphones was invented, and I looked at him in the eye to give him an EVIL GLARE, at the very least. But then he was wearing shades, inside the train (so cool, yeah right)! So my glare just got deflected so to speak. I kept silent during most of the train ride, but I swore to myself that if the guy started singing, I will really snap and lash out on him. But it didn’t end up that way (tsk!), and the moment he finally stood up and took his leave, I breathe a sigh of relief and blurted out a sarcastic “Gee, thank you~!”

Why did I have such a hard time voicing out my complaints to the bastard beside me, when I know it should be the right thing to do? Again, it’s because of the reasons I previously stated. I know for a fact that he was breaching privacy, respect, social harmony or what have you, but at the same time I wouldn’t want to create a public scandal. I look back at that time and I can only imagine how exciting it could’ve been if I scolded that guy right then and there! Sometimes you just have to forget stuff like reputation and do what you really think is right. (Oh, and by now, I think that bastard’s cellphone got stolen because he was OPENLY flaunting it to potential thieves inside the train, and that’s what I call justice!)

Realizations and Challenges

With the experiences I had in my family, school, work, and even in my crazy commute rides, I’ve come to realize that just about everywhere can be a drowning hotspot of individuality if we become passive and blindly follow the norms that society (and other people/institutions) dictate. It’s not that I’m suggesting a deviant or egotistic behavior, but rather practicing critical thinking, in which we should at least question whether a certain norm, rule, or any action is indeed right or wrong. And hopefully with this, we’ll be able to find ourselves, complete with a sense of purpose, and a set of principles which we abide in and fight for.

More often than not, society dictates us to become passive and apathetic, because that’s the way to survive in a cruel world, to get away from any mess as much as possible. But is that what we really want? To become insensitive to the plight of others, to not do anything when you know you should? If you really don’t give a damn, then fine. But if you feel that you have to do something, then nothing should stop you from doing so. Yes you have to set a certain boundary and not go to the extent of what Murasaki has done in this episode, but you shouldn’t keep a blind eye to this kind of social injustice either.

I’m still a coward, but hopefully one day when I do witness this kind of social injustice, I won’t be afraid to stand up for the sake of the victim. Similarly, if I do witness injustice in the workplace, I do hope I’ll be able to adhere to my principles and fight for them, despite the risk of losing my job or something. (Well of course it’s still better if you work in a company where such injustice is not present, like the company I’m currently working for ^^;;; )

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