Editorial
Confessions and Epiphanies of an Incompetent Blogger
A beautiful Mother goose-inspired artwork, which might just be related to this post. who knows.
This post is just as random as how I got to read the book “Rilke’s Letters to a Young Poet”, which became my source of inspiration for this. And in case you’re wondering, I didn’t type this under the summer sun. I had this post scheduled ^^;
Most of my life I’ve been struggling with a superiority-inferiority complex, and despite how many times I convince myself that I should be proud of myself, take pride in my abilities and what God has endowed me, I was never fully at peace, and that inferior angsty attention-seeker persona of mine would always creep in no matter what. At one point I’d think that I’m so good like I can rule the world! But then at times just a simple criticism is enough to crush my pride as though it was simply founded in sand. That’s how shaky it was.
It happens in most of my endeavors, be it in school, at work (though I’d have to be thankful that the environment in my office fosters camaraderie, teamwork, and love, not competition and such), and also blogging. After a year of blogging, and having realized that episodic summaries is not my thing, I remain a lost little sheep who hasn’t fully come into terms with the reason why she’s writing in the first place. Not being able to make it into 9rules made me all angsty and sulky as well.
I’m not sure if I shared this before, but one of the reasons why I started out blogging is to seek attention, to serve as an ego-booster to this inferior self of mine. I measured my worth as a blogger in terms of hits and comments, hence I resorted to shameless pimping way back the early days. I got steady hits because of being a pimp, and I somewhat spoiled myself into thinking that I NEED these hits/comments.
Another one of my biggest blogging booboos is comparing myself with other more established blogs, wondered how they are able to gather all those hits and comments, why my blog remained unnoticed by other people and such. When hits and comments come in, I’d be on cloud nine, but when they don’t, I’d sulk like an immature child who got robbed of her lollipop. I viewed these hits and comments to be a “requirement” or measure of my posts, I was looking for extrinsic forces to affirm my worth as a blogger.
From my previous meta-blogging posts, it would seem as if I already got over this dilemma, when I actually haven’t. I know I’ve preached about blogging for fun, not caring about hits and comments, and all that, and I’m sorry for being such a poser. It seemed as if I believed in someone who believes in me, yet pretentiously so. It’s not until recently that I came into terms with all this, after reading the enlightening book “Rilke’s Letters to a Young Poet”, which my good friend/officemate Dean lent me (out of sheer randomness XD).
In the book wrote Rilke’s letters to an aspiring young poet by the name of Franz Xaver Kappus, who sought his advice in the hopes of finding enlightenment to the questions plaguing him. Through their correspondence, I saw myself in the confused young Kappus, who was wandering in the path of being an artist. While I’m not aspiring to become a poet and dedicate my life to being an artist like Kappus probably was, I found his concern regarding why he’s writing to mirror that of my own. How he was searching for answers and affirmation from extrinsic forces, when the answer lies deep within him.
The first letter of Rilke was enough to pierce through the depths of my being, which, although supposedly addressed to Kappus, might as well serve as that voice of epiphany people like me have been searching for.
“You ask whether your verses are any good. You ask me. You have asked others before this. You send them to magazines. You compare them with other poems, and you are upset when certain editors reject your work. Now (since you have said you want my advice) I beg you to stop doing that sort of thing. You are looking outside, and that is what you should most avoid right now. No one can advise or help you - no one. There is only one thing you should do. Go into yourself. Find out the reason that commands you to write; see whether it has spread its roots into the very depths of your heart; confess to yourself whether you would have to die if you were forbidden to write. This most of all: ask yourself in the most silent hour of your night: must I write? Dig into yourself for a deep answer. And if this answer rings out in assent, if you meet this solemn question with a strong, simple “I must,” then build your life in accordance with this necessity;
And if out of this turning-within, out of this immersion in your own world, poems come, then you will not think of asking anyone whether they are good or not. Nor will you try to interest magazines in these works: for you will see them as your dear natural possession, a piece of your life, a voice from it.”
…says Rilke in his first letter. That was all it took to make me bow down on my knees and repent from what I’ve been doing. The moment I read these lines, Rilke’s [silent] voice resounded in my head, and will forever serve as a constant reminder of what a right blogging mindset should be, to find joy in writing, without expecting external rewards (aka hits, comments, fame, etc).
All these months I’ve been consumed by the desire to have more hits and comments, and in the process, I forgot the joy of reaching out to people, the happiness in just being able to impart all these thoughts and experiences to others. This felt like one of those turning points in movies where the zero-to-hero-transformed protagonist comes to realize how this power is consuming him, making him lose track of what’s supposedly important, and then changes for the better, to become a REAL superhero or something lol.
Ironically enough, I think the moment you stop thinking of all the hits and comments, and focus on writing for fun, people will eventually flock to your blog. It’ll just happen even without you thinking so much about it (though of course you’d still have to do a little extra effort if you really want to be noticed, participate in the blogosphere in particular)! By not expecting all these external rewards, you’ll treat them like an added bonus to the joy you’re already feeling by simply writing, and that will all the more make you appreciate these hits/comments.
Blogging can be considered analogous to real-life relationships in this sense. In order to gain [true] friends and get along with other people, what you need to do, aside from having a sane mind and a good grasp of social etiquettes / good manners, is stay true to yourself, show who you are to people (with a good grasp of manners of courtesy, you’d know how far you can go in showing who you are). At times, you’d have to make that extra effort to initiate the friendship, but don’t expect that they pamper you with attention, just interact with them naturally. Eventually, you’ll find yourself blending in, naturally as well.
And of course, for a relationship to be nurtured and become healthy, the people involved should have a good grasp of their identity and be able to realize their value and worth as people. Nothing can ruin a relationship more than jealousy and lack of trust, which more often than not, stems from these feelings of inferiority. Believe in yourself, be confident while maintaining humility, carry on these values in blogging.
So if you ask me now, why am I blogging? It’s because I view it as an extension of my soul, the part of me that screams and tries to reach out to people, something I’m usually unable to do in the casual chances of my life. The blog serves as an outlet of my feelings, my passion, and just about everything otaku about myself. While hits and comments serve as good indicators of my “reach”, the absence of these should never be a reason for me to undermine my worth.
Thank you Lord. 
filed under: Editorial
Discussion
36 comments for “Confessions and Epiphanies of an Incompetent Blogger”
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Wow, nice post, and wow, this is like an accumulation of a lot of things I’ve talked about in past posts:
[1] “Blogging can be considered analogous to real-life relationships in this sense.” YES! Because there’s that sociology of the sphere, and perhaps an anthropology or something vaguely similar.
[2] “….preached about blogging for fun, not caring about hits and comments…” Can we separate the two? They seem unlinkable to me, well, perhaps that’s my perception, although I totally get your own stance.
[3] “…I forgot the joy of reaching out to people, the happiness in just being able to impart all these thoughts and experiences to others.” This is the one thing I kind of disagree on. The sphere, in my own humble (pretentious) position, is not simply about soap boxing it up; it’s about ‘dialogue’ and dialectics. No comments = no response. No response = no interaction. No interaction = shouting at a wall. However, people often read posts yet have a tendency to not comment, constructively or otherwise. In this case, yes, knowledge is still being passed on, yet with no reciprocation. While readers do “engage” with authors in that sense, the flow of knowledge goes in two directions, and lack of comments impairs the “reverse” direction, the direction back to the author. Basically, comments really do enrich articles and are a huge part of blogging. Saying that comments are extraneous and superfluous to “writing for the sake of writing” doesn’t take into consideration the deconstruction of the author/reader role; to an extent, I am likely, although hesitant, to say focusing entirely on the “comments are extra” or “comments are the only purpose” methods are selfish. But I can’t talk. I’m a total comment whore.
[4] “…the people involved should have a good grasp of their identity and be able to realize their value and worth as people.” Believe not in yourself, but the me who believes in yourself! Kamina had that down. And I think it’s impossible to view yourself through yourself - we always perceive ourselves through others, always.
[5] “While hits and comments serve as good indicators of my “reach”, the absence of these should never be a reason for me to undermine my worth.” Well for me…I guess the problem is with accessibility in material, more than anything else. Do lack of comments mean I’m too esoteric, or readers are too stupid? Neither, or both, in varying degrees. Ok, “stupid” is not the right word in any case. Laziness also plays its part in this game. In a conversation with Mike I said that “the knowledge writers produce is this stationary body and the readers have to insert their intellect into it to grasp it,” and so while this may seemingly contradict what I said about the dialectics of the sphere, I think this model holds true during initial readings. The moment of insertion is what’s crucial - how difficult it is defines both the effort of the reader and the lucidity of the author.
That was a tl;dr comment.
That was an inspiring post. I’ve always been interested in blogging. But I never had the courage to start one because i’m worried that people won’t bother reading my entires. After reading this, i realized that i haven’t found THE reason why i should start blogging (like you guys do). Getting people’s attention is not a good enough reason to go through all the hassle of maintaining a blog. I love writing, but i can live without it. I guess, my passion in writing isn’t just as strong as yours.
The excerpt you included really pierced me inside. Makes me want to read the book so badly ^^
Great read though a little scary. (^.^)
I found your blog because you were the BEST blogger out there writing about Kaze no Stigma (wish you would write about the manga too
). So you did reach to me, and ever since then I stop by and see whats going on so while mostly anonymous you have me as your eternal fanboy 
!
I hope you also realize that you cater to a different more sophisticate audience (and me :P) than the more popular blogs like random curiosity who offers complete reviews just a few hours after the episode airs and before any subs are done… BTW many of the comments you make are on series for girls (and we all know there are no girls in the internet) so its a different kind of read for me which I sometimes don’t understand…
And now its time to buy that book you talked about.
*as a kitty watches me brush my chompers* (she makes me feel so embarrassed)
Its funny to think that my longest running blog is one I never even considered comments or readership on. I just wrote because it was fun. Maybe that is the definition, found in old proverb, do or do not, but never try. “Trying” is just to exhausting.
I just wanted to say: thank you for this beautiful post. The self-introspection that Rilke (a favorite poet of mine) recommends is something I need to undertake myself, to help clear my mind and heart as to why I’m in this business myself. May you go on to greater self-discovery and passion!
This is just what I needed, something that reminds me I’m not alone in this inferiority complex thingy.
I actually see a lot of myself in this post. Like you, I also suffer from low self-esteem, which forces me to constantly compare myself to others - and more often than not, feel inferior because I can’t measure up to the standards that I perceive. I do this so often and so relentlessly, that it’s almost become a process where I purposely look for evidence to “confirm” my inferiority. I almost expect to hear the dreaded “See? You’re no good” every time. Somewhere amongst all the anxiety and dejection I’m feeling, I’ve forgotten the true happiness of the task itself. To put it in a school perspective, I became so obsessed with marks that I’ve lost the true happiness of learning and expanding my horizon.
Now that I think about it, each student reaps different rewards from taking a course, and each person’s resulting growth is not necessarily reflected in the marks they receive. Because I’m too focused on measuring myself based on some extrinsic standard (i.e. marks), I’ve neglected taking into consideration my real growth.
I suppose that the reason we’re so focused on using extrinsic forms of measurement is because real, intrinsic growth is hard to measure. How can we know that we’ve improved as a person since starting the task (be it blogging or studying a course)? I guess here’s where the difference lies between people with low and high self-esteem: people with high self-esteem have a fundamental belief in themselves that they’re constantly improving, hence they are less reliant on outside measures to confirm/disconfirm this belief. And how do people acquire this belief? My guess is that it has a lot to do with one’s environment. I do recall many instances in my childhood where my parents and teachers have told me that I was becoming a worse person/student, as a way to motivate me to do better. However, I have a feeling that these comments had a role in shaping me to become the comparison-obsessed person I am today.
So the take-home message is that I should have more trust in my abilities and believe that I am always becoming a better person. Setbacks in extrinsic forms of measurement are there to help accelerate my improvement, and they are not the indicator that I am regressing as a human being (as I commonly believe).
Sorry, somewhere along the way this comment has become a place for my personal rambling/reflection, but I hope it might have added something to your well thought-out post.
*insert “love this post because it expresses a lot of the insecurities I have to handle myself” type comment here that I can’t seem to find he proper words for*
Go go blogging for fun! Put it this way, if you’re blogging something that you find fun, you still get something out of it even if noone comments on it - and eventually it’ll bring people of similar interests to your blog
While blogging should be fun by itself, there’s nothing wrong with wanting recognition of your hard work. Don’t get discouraged about setbacks; if they were so easily achieved it wouldn’t be any fun to strive for your goals!
Er, you may also run into less comments than you like because it seems like wp-spam-free sometimes blocks comments for no reason…
;_;
You (and DS) are an inspiration to me~!
usagijen, I will be dead-honest with you, unlike Pasta I thought the post was moe throughout!!!! And you’ve gotten on a lot of people’s blogroll too, so be proud! And, when I click on your blogroll page the side-bar is at the bottom (is that supposed to happen or is it just my computer?), and and I’m part of the female rebellion too!
Anyway, back on topic, I really SUKI your blog and don’t feel so bad, my blog doesn’t get a lot of comments either unless I killed some bunnies, or the other writers’ make really good posts. Sadly, I’m not like them at all (damn them, steal my spotlight!). I get pissed too when people don’t comment on my post so then I go turbo-charged mode and comment on every blog I possibly can, regarding w/e topics and sometimes topics that are similar to the post I made with no comments.
You know, funny enough, I love reading but I’d never read what you read. I’m not into those kind of books, but it sounds really interesting. I read this other book (I’m pretty sure you’ll like it but the blurb sounds gay) and it’s called The Messenger (dunnoes who’s it by, can’t remember), and it focused on stuff like this, actually, stuff about bringing people together and fixing issues, but it was really cool!
This one time, the main guy would spy on this family and everyday the mother would buy ice-cream for her kids, but she’d never get any, and then she’d watch them play on the playground. So one day the main guy buys her an ice-cream, gives it to her and says that she deserves some since she always buys them but never gets any. Then one of her kids saw this and told the mum that next she’ll share some of her ice-cream with her. Ugh, I hope you get that, it was a really sweet story!
LOL, I feel like making a post and linking back to this post. I sometimes feel the same way like you do and get those days when I feel like I can rule the world, but my sister hit me on the head and told me to get over it
And wow, I made a long worthy comment (I hope!). My brain must be really active today.
Dearest usagijen, do not fret over something so small. I may not always comment, but I always lurk…
I was under the impression that you blog in order to promote interest in your desired pairings, but alas twas not the case. I had dearly hoped you were extolling the superiority of Amuto for the sake of both Amu-chan and Ikuto, nevertheless while your inspiration to make a post was not true your efforts have furthered a cause most righteous.
I shall over look so minor a flaw, and demand MOAR Amuto and Toshokan Sensou posts.
BTW I suggest that you recommend this to be the terrible secret in Hinano’s project. You know the critical revelation right before the confirmation of your path. I remind you that ye must repent…
This is a really nice post that touches on exactly how I feel about blogging too. Though it’s foolish to think that this happens every time I sit down to write, there are these occasional moments when watching anime that, to me, seem so inspiring that I can’t help but express how I feel about them. When that happens, last time was Kaiba 3, it’s like I forget about everything else, forget about the rest of the day, and just write. I guess the hard-part is maintaining a blog in-between those moments, but I don’t regret any of it, because when I do have something that’s genuinely important to say, I’m so glad I have an audience to hear me out.
Oooh, jen! You probably have noticed by now that lots of bloggers exactly feel like you, and I also get the impression that the best blogs stem from the same feelings that you harbour. I think caring about your readers is a good thing, and I’m sure you know that you have reached lots of people who really enjoy reading your postings, including myself
At any rate, I’m really happy that you came back to blogging and I’m thankful to you that you considered recommending Rilke to me. I have very similar inferiority complexes and issues with blogging as you - but in my case, there also were other reasons that brought me to my decision.
More hits and more comments are more fun.
But they’re not worth nearly as much as the product you’re creating. If you like what you’re writing, you’ll be happy no matter how many readers you have. At least that’s how it is for me (and I’ll bet you get more hits than I do).
THESE ARE MY READERS. ok I just felt like saying that
thank you guys 
*hugs*
@Lelangir: well hits and comments do go hand-in-hand, but they connote different things indeed. I’m pretty much a comment whore myself, aren’t we all? One way or another, you’d have to take into consideration your readers / audience when writing blog posts, but at the same time, you shouldn’t be consumed by that desire and forgot the reason why you’re really writing. Write for your audience, and find joy in writing at the same time.
Owen also told me the same thing about “Believe in me who believes in you”, how it’s tantamount to believing in yourself, just that you’re perceiving yourself through others. You just have to make sure that you’re not simply fooling yourself into thinking of believing in that person, 100% trust and all that.
@rei: you can just write when you feel that it’s calling you out hehe. No hassles and all that, just do it when you want it.
@Pasta: aww, thank you for your kind words. I shall believe in you, who believes in me
I should be happy that my blog isn’t as mainstream as other ones, being too popular has its own repercussions. With a small crowd, I can interact well with just about all commentators here hehe 
And don’t worry, a Kaze no Stigma manga post is in the works (aka it’s in my drafts)
@Ryan: come to think of it, I’ve been blogging for quite some time before too, never had any audience and I was just fine with the way it was. I could just randomly rant and rave like a lunatic without worrying about the repercussions lol.
@Mike: All I can say from the bottom of my heart is, thank you
@Asuka: oh don’t worry about sharing all that stuff. I find myself in you as well. Ah school days~ I actually wonder how my life would’ve been had I not been too caught up with grades and those external rewards and just enjoy studying. But still, it’s not too late to have a change of mindset ^^ All the best!
@issa: *hugs* yes, and that’s why you should post more TS crack posts! love them
@Kabitzin: ah yes, well said Kabitzin-sama. Now I can feel the rush of excitement brimming in me hehe. All these should make me strive more, improve for the better, without succumbing to angsty sulking moments which I’ve been doing in the past.
and thanks for reminding me to go disable what comment-eater plugin SpamFree
@blissmo: you’re on sugar rush!
and silly me… I can’t believe I deleted an entire blogroll category (with the links) orz. I shall have it up ASAP =__=”
I shall also look into that book you recommended ^^
@Crusader: oh please don’t get me wrong, I did blog for the sake of my fave pairings, but it was tainted with other intents hehe
My love for these characters are PURE, so was my drive to blog them, just tainted a little.
lol, I don’t even know how this will affect my route in Hinano’s game
@bateszi: yeah, I can feel with you. And I just have to constantly remind myself that I HAVE readers, they’re subscribed to my feed! *spanks self for taking precious subscribers for granted*
@Sasa: I understand, and all I’m hoping for is that all that has transpired will come to pass, and perhaps someday, I’ll see in this blogging path again. For now, I wish you all the best!
@Baka-Raptor: thank you for reaffirming all this hehe. I should take pride in what I write, it’s the kind of mindset I had with my True Tears and KimiKiss posts, my angsty attention-seeker self comes out in, other posts. Sorry for confusing you.
Congratulations on your epiphany. There is little else I can add.
hmmm, thats sort of weird, cause I always thought you were a very popular blogger around these parts!
At least thats how it seems! =3
The way I see it, you don’t just do anything for yourself, but to change/entertain people, even if its a tiny bit. Yea its good to do the things you like, but if you do it while making others happy, thats the best type of gift you can give anyone! Also, I would have never touched Kure-nai or Toshokan Sensou if you didn’t fangirl about them, so your posts are always appreciated! Your fangirling has made me a happy bunny, not even
getting nailed to a crossfinding out that my Penor has decreased 2 inches can make me sad (that hasn’t happened btw…)! Now, where was I? *continues to stalk blog*And whore-ing is definitely not a bad thing! IT MAKES EVERYONE HAPPY! THE INNUENDO WAY AND NORMAL!! HARR HARR HARR
I know exactly how you feel. I used to be the same way with my blogging at least. I worked my way up slowly over a long time to getting about 250 hits a day or so and then comment spam and increasing workload killed me. The thing was, my number of hits was increasing exponentially too. I can only wonder where I’d be if I didn’t stop blogging for 2 years. Then again I never had the comedic genius of Jason, or the Japanese skills of some other bloggers.
(darn it! How could I have missed this opportunity!?! I’LL MAKE U PROUD ENDER!!!)
Ahh shucks usagijen! You’re making me blush! *BLUSH*
Oh, and on a side note, your e-name reminds me of a Neopet!… don’t ask
@Mike: thanks
@Jesus159: I’m just glad you appreciated my random fangurling
And I shall continue on this fangurl-ing endeavor for as long as I live!
And neopet, ah blissful memories~ it’s been years since I last fed my pet lolz.
Once again, something similar between us. I feel this way about web design - people with degrees, their foot in the door, a lucky break, and so forth…I have friends who have gone so far while I feel I’ve fallen behind (mostly due to studying Japanese).
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with craving hits, although if that’s the only reason, that’s a little weird. Hits are just another way of measuring how well you identify with readers, particularly uniques and if used in conjunction with time spent on the site. So here I am, +1 in hit and +1 in comment. ^_^
I’m a little late on this, but bravo. Bravo.
@Caitlin: my kindred spirit, as always ^^ so long as we don’t succumb to pessimism, have confidence in ourselves, look at the brighter side of things at all times, it’s all good
@Os: thank you
Urge to preach rising.
Nah, I’ll do it on my own space
jen, if you do have any problems I’m usually an email or PM away (on IRC that is).
i dunno if it helps but I’m always free :V
I lurk a lot. Oh and just have fun, the rest will come eventually.
Thanks Drm, Sojourner. You know there are just times when you’re too dumb to see the simple answers to your problems, and this is one of them
And don’t worry, I’m not the type who’ll be so depressed to the point of being suicidal 
Glad to see that you’ve found yourself blogging-wise. I’m still trying to find out mine myself.
All the best with that, N!