Editorial
Dealing with Death
‘How does one deal with death [of a loved one]?’ is all I could think of after watching Tokyo Magnitude episode 9. Rest assured, I’m not going to spoil anything. You won’t hear a word about which predictions turned out true or not or whatsoever. There might be a little spoiler for another series at the end of the post however, so do beware. Let’s just, well, talk about ‘dealing with death’ or ‘death’ in general, plain as daylight.
Just recently, an officemate of mine (somewhat of a neechan figure to me, though we’re not that close) lost her father to cancer. Like most (all?) cancer cases, it was a long and painful process. She had to take long leaves from work to tend to her dad, be by his side as he undergoes chemotherapy or whatever treatment, hoping and praying that at the end of it all, her whole family will see her dad all well again.
After 5 months of the fight against cancer, what they’ve been fearing the most finally happened — the battle was “lost”. My officemate SMS-ed me that fateful morning her dad passed away — and all I could do was stare at my cellphone in silence. I didn’t know what to say. Saying words of condolences would seem pretty standard, but right at that moment I realized how callous it’d be if I did so. Just the thought of saying “I’m sorry to hear that…”, or “I’m deeply saddened by the news…” makes me want to puke, because it’d filled with hypocrisy. I don’t even know if I really feel sad over the loss of my officemate. She’s grieving over her dad, it’s a tough time for her, she must be in pain… is what I know, but I doubt I’ll ever understand the pain she’s going through.
Some people have the gift of empathy, I know I don’t, especially not with Real People. I find myself empathizing with 2D characters I’ve grown to love (and mourning over their death) than my very own relatives, acquaintances, and friends. Granted, I have yet to experience the loss of someone very very dear to me, like my mom, my siblings, my aunts and uncles, my super close friends and officemates — and perhaps that’s it. You won’t grieve over someone’s death unless you know or feel the ‘loss’ that comes with it, not unless you actually cared for the person in the first place. “…unfair as it is that the more you become happy for something, the more you’ll be saddened by its loss”, as I’ve mentioned a bit about before.
Many times, I’d feel mortified at not feeling sad over someone’s death as much as I want to. ‘Have I become that callous?’, I’d ask myself. Time and again, I’d wonder if I’d weep over my dad’s death, considering how I think of him as a failure of a father. What loss would I feel when he’s no longer around when I never really felt his presence? I don’t recall a single word of wisdom or advice from him, nor any father-and-daughter-talk for that matter, so what memories would I have once he’s no longer here? Material gifts? Bitter memories?
I’d most likely weep; in fact, I’m already crying at the moment, lamenting at the thought that I would not feel sad over his death. I’d probably cry — cry for those whom my father helped in his lifetime, for my grandmother who loves him sooo much, for my aunts and uncles (his brothers and sisters) whom he cared for, a lot more than his own family even.
Is it unbecoming of a Christian to not grieve over someone’s death? Does my inability to mourn over this loss mean that I haven’t completely forgiven my father? Ahhh I’m rambling too much.
Our pastor mentioned last Friday that speaking / giving Pastoral message during memorial services is one of the things he’s not comfortable of doing. He will never understand how it’s like to lose a loved one, not unless he is in the shoes of the one who’s experiencing the said loss. He’d be prone to mentioning things that would simply attest to the fact that he doesn’t understand, and the mourners could simply tell him “How dare you say that! You won’t understand how it feels like to lose someone you love!”, and he won’t be able to complain, because it’s true. This is exactly how I felt with what happened to my officemate, and so I ended up not replying to her message at all.
I remember my ultimate insensitivity back in high school when my classmate’s brother died from a motorcycle accident. Her brother was rumored to be on drugs, suspected to be the cause of the accident, and I was insensitive enough to even ask her at the wake if the said rumor is true — OH BROTHER.
Without doubt, I had 0% sensitivity back then. So what if the rumor is true, will that even matter at that time? My classmate was grieving over the death of the brother that she so loves, no drug rumor will ever change that. And despite whatever rumors, the fact remains that her brother is dead — and that’s it. Someone’s life has come to an end, in spirit he might be with her, but in the physical sense, not a chance — you can’t see them, touch them, talk to them, spend time with them in the truest sense of the word.
I believe in life after death, I believe in heaven — but that doesn’t mean I would/should grieve over someone’s death a lot less.
For some people, death is freedom. I know my grandmother thinks that way. Two of her sons died, and each day she’ll be asking herself why they had to die first before her. Throughout her lifetime, she’s been serving her family — us. Up until this time, at the age of 76, she still cooks for us, organizes the stuff in the house (because I’m a disorganized mess), and while perhaps, she finds fulfillment in serving people, she’d constantly complain about how difficult it is to live each day and do whatever she’s doing. “I’ll be better off dead”, she’d say, often at the brink of her getting mad at me for staying out late and causing her endless worries.
Me and my brothers get exasperated over her grumpiness every so often, even if we can understand why she acts the way she does. But for sure, despite her bitchiness and her skewed sense of logic, her presence will be missed once she’s gone. Perhaps she’s taking care of us out of a sense of obligation, to feed her egotism, but perhaps, she really cares for our welfare too. She’s like the pillar of our family, the main reason why our clan remains intact up until now. I can’t imagine how life would be once she’s no longer around, and I don’t even want to think about it. The same goes for my mom, brothers and sister, relatives, and friends.
So back to the question, how does one deal with death? To be honest, I don’t know. One simple answer would be to learn to let go, but that’s easier said than done. If you tell that to a grieving person without even feeling sad for him/her, sorry to say but you’re an insensitive bastard. The same goes for people who end up “spiritualizing” things, like telling you that “everything will be alright because he’ll be in heaven for sure” without even trying to understand the pain you’re going through.
All things happen for a purpose, and we’d only realize that once we take a step back and try to see things from a broader perspective. And I’m not sure if you’d agree with me on this one, but I think we ought to feel sad over these things, we SHOULD go through the phase of mourning — it’s painful, but simply shows that we cared enough for that certain someone to feel a sense of loss over his/her death.
How does one deal with the death of a loved one? Some people end up living in atonement, like Balsa of Seirei no Moribito; some people live to fulfill the dreams of their beloved, like Carl of UP.
What should we do when someone we love passes away? Perhaps, the answer is but simple, perhaps it’s as Kou said…
…perhaps all we have to do is cry. Admit that we feel the pain, and then, move on…
Credits to tono and Tsukushi Akihito for the wonderful fanarts. I want to credit the artist for the second fanart, but unfortunately, I can’t find the artist’s name, or pixiv account. Do tell if you know, thanks in advance 
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filed under: Editorial tags: Cross Game, death, personal dorama, ramblings, reflections, Tokyo Magnitude 8.0 Discussion
12 comments for “Dealing with Death”
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LOL, this is such a serious topic. For me, there is no reason to things in terms of a unifying absolute reason. Reasons, meanings, and purposes are arbitrary to us, and disappear on a personal level when we die.
Funerals aren’t for the dead, they’re dead and it makes no difference. Rather, they’re powerful experiences for us who are left behind — it assists us in moving on and living what’s left of our lives.
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True that, funerals is more like the way for us to come face to face with the fact of death, and allow us to reflect on our lives. But I can’t seem to shake off the feeling that I’m missing out on something when I don’t grieve over someone’s death -__-
as for Tokyo Magnitude 8.0…
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Wow this is heavy stuff. Are you sure this is an anime blog?
I have to say — It doesn’t make you an insensitive person because you can’t identify with someone who’s going through that. On the contrary: the fact that you’re even thinking about it (and writing blog posts about it) puts you a step up from most, who’ll offer empty words with the best intentions but avoid actually pointing their brains at the subject, which is a hard one to think about. And obviously you’ve progressed beyond the funeral incident, even if the guilt and embarrassment of such a thing sticks with you a long time. Oh well, it was probably not the best thing to say/do at the time, but that’s how we grow — we learn from those mistakes, and it seems like you’ve done that.
In a more general answer to your overall question, I think everyone deals in a different way. There’s those different steps of the grieving process that psychologists talk about (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance), but it’s different for everyone. Some people focus on different aspects than others. For instance, in my opinion:
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Look on the bright side: once you die, you get to become an evil spirit that haunts children.
@otou-san: Thank you for thy insightful comment, quite a pat on the back for me too
And I realize I’ve been dumping all this RL dorama sh*t onto the blog as of late… MUST REMEDY IN THE NEXT POST! I’ve got to stop talking about Tokyo Magnitude 8.0 first, need a break @_@
As for Mirai…
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@Baka-Raptor: kicking ass even after I die?! SIGN ME UP!
Yes, it is a difficult issue, one that I faced often during my volunteering…
Unless you know someone personally, it is natural not to feel deep mourning over passing of your officemate’s father. As you mention, it is not necessary to lie with words such as “deeply saddened”, but you can let your officemate know how you feel. “She’s grieving over her dad, it’s a tough time for her, she must be in pain… is what I know” – you can tell that to her
What to do? Turn grief into growth!
Find Support
Talk to your friends and maybe a counselor/psychologist about it. Read a book on grief that can help you grow.
Accept Your Grief
Time alone does not heal grief. Deal with it, think about it, accept it.
Express It
Without expression grief can leave you frozen and stoic. Find someone who can listen to you and allow you to express all of your feelings.
Accept Your Feelings
Grief has many feelings; some of them are very intense. Accept them and they will help you learn about yourself and the meaning of your loss. Lock them up inside you and you will lock away parts of yourself.
Pace Yourself
Grief takes energy. You may tire easily. A slower pace alternated with periods of diversions and mild exercise will maximize healing. Good nutrition also helps.
Have Hope
Faith is not the absence of fear, but the willingness to go on when fear is present. Healing will come eventually.
I would like to mention two Japanese videos related to the subject.
“In the award-winning documentary Children Full of Life, a fourth-grade class in a primary school in Kanazawa, northwest of Tokyo, learn lessons about compassion from their homeroom teacher, Toshiro Kanamori”
“Dreams” by Akira Kurosawa. Village of the Water Mills. “At the end of the sequence (and the film), a funeral procession for an old woman takes place in the village, which instead of mourning, the people celebrate joyfully as the proper end to a good life. This segment was filmed at the Daio Wasabi farm in the Nagano Prefecture. The film ends with a haunting yet melancholic melody from the excerpts of “In the Village” , part of the Caucasian Sketches, Suite No. 1″
Silence is the best mourning for death.
At the least, it’s the most tactful.
Death is a simple yet complicated thing. Like what otou-san said, I don’t think it makes you an insensitive person if you can’t identify with others going through the grief of mourning. Even if it’s someone you weren’t that close to, I think people still feel some sense of loss and sadness over his/her passing. I’ve lost a couple of my loved ones before, and it’s something that you can’t easily cope with even if you know that’s what you need to do. It takes a lot of time and a lot of effort to try and move forward. Even if I’ve experienced the loss, I still never know what to say or how to act when I get a “someone died” news too. It somehow makes me feel uncomfortable and awkward to say words of condolences, and I just end up staying silent or mumbling “I’m sorry” or if I’m very close to that person, I simply give them a hug because I just can’t express the sadness and sympathy I feel into words. Most of the time, I believe that actions speak louder than words… I remember when I lost my mom, when people gave me hug or even just held my hand or gave me gentle pats in the back at that time, I felt their sadness and their support for us too.
People also have a different way of dealing with losing someone — some just cry while some can’t, some hold onto stuff while some learn how to let go, etc. Like you mentioned, a good example for this are Balsa from SnM and the characters from Cross Game. It also somehow reminds me of Dumbledore’s words regarding death in the HP series. As long as someone remembers a person who passed away and their life even just once in a while, or acknowledges their existence and passing, I think it’s a way of honoring their memory too.
I think I babbled too much… I hope what I said made some sense.
@Kitsune: in the end, I wasn’t able to tell her anything, and it seems a tad bit too late if I tell her now, weeks has passed since
turning grief into growth, I like that
it’s just silly how we can succumb to pessimism when it comes to things like this, and we won’t snap out of it until someone finally gives us a hard slap. Thank you for the words of wisdom, will certainly keep them in mind, though I’d probably need someone to remind me of them once I’m finally in the said grieving situation, lest I forget 
@hazy: *hugs* actions certainly speak louder in cases like this. at the end of the day, words are just… words, and what really matters is your sincerity, or just your very presence, to show that ‘you’re there for them in this time of grief’.
If a person is remembered even after his/her death (good memories of course), that goes to show that he/she has made an impact in the life of that person. And if one’s death will serve as a constant reminder for you to be your best, live life to the fullest, I’m sure the very person will be honored to have been an inspiration too
Don’t be too hard on yourself for not replying. It’s shocking news and is in no small way easy to deal with. What is important is reaching out to them. Something like, “If you ever want to talk about it, my door is always open,” means much more than any reflexive condolences.
“Some people have the gift of empathy, I know I don’t, especially not with Real People.”
I wouldn’t call it a gift, but that’s neither here nor there. During my brief study of counseling psychology one of the points that is frequently argued over in the community is whether or not empathy can be learned. While you may not have felt anything over your coworkers loss, the fact that you took it upon yourself to discover introspectively what life would be like in her shoes shows a great deal of compassion on your part and is what some would argue is learned empathy.
“we SHOULD go through the phase of mourning — it’s painful, but simply shows that we cared enough for that certain someone to feel a sense of loss over his/her death.”
You’re absolutely right, everything has it’s place. Mourning let’s us work though our grief so that we may face tomorrow.
I think, in a sense, he’s dead to you already, if you’re not communicating meaningfully.
actually, I just got to talk to him recently. not really heart-to-heart talk, I don’t see that happening any time soon. But casual talk, possibly a good start