“Some people have the gift of empathy, I know I don’t, especially not with Real People.”
I wouldn’t call it a gift, but that’s neither here nor there. During my brief study of counseling psychology one of the points that is frequently argued over in the community is whether or not empathy can be learned. While you may not have felt anything over your coworkers loss, the fact that you took it upon yourself to discover introspectively what life would be like in her shoes shows a great deal of compassion on your part and is what some would argue is learned empathy.

“we SHOULD go through the phase of mourning — it’s painful, but simply shows that we cared enough for that certain someone to feel a sense of loss over his/her death.”

You’re absolutely right, everything has it’s place. Mourning let’s us work though our grief so that we may face tomorrow.

turning grief into growth, I like that it’s just silly how we can succumb to pessimism when it comes to things like this, and we won’t snap out of it until someone finally gives us a hard slap. Thank you for the words of wisdom, will certainly keep them in mind, though I’d probably need someone to remind me of them once I’m finally in the said grieving situation, lest I forget

@hazy: *hugs* actions certainly speak louder in cases like this. at the end of the day, words are just… words, and what really matters is your sincerity, or just your very presence, to show that ‘you’re there for them in this time of grief’.

If a person is remembered even after his/her death (good memories of course), that goes to show that he/she has made an impact in the life of that person. And if one’s death will serve as a constant reminder for you to be your best, live life to the fullest, I’m sure the very person will be honored to have been an inspiration too

People also have a different way of dealing with losing someone — some just cry while some can’t, some hold onto stuff while some learn how to let go, etc. Like you mentioned, a good example for this are Balsa from SnM and the characters from Cross Game. It also somehow reminds me of Dumbledore’s words regarding death in the HP series. As long as someone remembers a person who passed away and their life even just once in a while, or acknowledges their existence and passing, I think it’s a way of honoring their memory too.

I think I babbled too much… I hope what I said made some sense.

At the least, it’s the most tactful.

Unless you know someone personally, it is natural not to feel deep mourning over passing of your officemate’s father. As you mention, it is not necessary to lie with words such as “deeply saddened”, but you can let your officemate know how you feel. “She’s grieving over her dad, it’s a tough time for her, she must be in pain… is what I know” – you can tell that to her

What to do? Turn grief into growth!

Find Support
Talk to your friends and maybe a counselor/psychologist about it. Read a book on grief that can help you grow.

Accept Your Grief
Time alone does not heal grief. Deal with it, think about it, accept it.

Express It
Without expression grief can leave you frozen and stoic. Find someone who can listen to you and allow you to express all of your feelings.

Accept Your Feelings
Grief has many feelings; some of them are very intense. Accept them and they will help you learn about yourself and the meaning of your loss. Lock them up inside you and you will lock away parts of yourself.

Pace Yourself
Grief takes energy. You may tire easily. A slower pace alternated with periods of diversions and mild exercise will maximize healing. Good nutrition also helps.

Have Hope
Faith is not the absence of fear, but the willingness to go on when fear is present. Healing will come eventually.

I would like to mention two Japanese videos related to the subject.

“In the award-winning documentary Children Full of Life, a fourth-grade class in a primary school in Kanazawa, northwest of Tokyo, learn lessons about compassion from their homeroom teacher, Toshiro Kanamori”

“Dreams” by Akira Kurosawa. Village of the Water Mills. “At the end of the sequence (and the film), a funeral procession for an old woman takes place in the village, which instead of mourning, the people celebrate joyfully as the proper end to a good life. This segment was filmed at the Daio Wasabi farm in the Nagano Prefecture. The film ends with a haunting yet melancholic melody from the excerpts of “In the Village” , part of the Caucasian Sketches, Suite No. 1″

As for Mirai…
Show ▼

@Baka-Raptor: kicking ass even after I die?! SIGN ME UP!

I have to say — It doesn’t make you an insensitive person because you can’t identify with someone who’s going through that. On the contrary: the fact that you’re even thinking about it (and writing blog posts about it) puts you a step up from most, who’ll offer empty words with the best intentions but avoid actually pointing their brains at the subject, which is a hard one to think about. And obviously you’ve progressed beyond the funeral incident, even if the guilt and embarrassment of such a thing sticks with you a long time. Oh well, it was probably not the best thing to say/do at the time, but that’s how we grow — we learn from those mistakes, and it seems like you’ve done that.

In a more general answer to your overall question, I think everyone deals in a different way. There’s those different steps of the grieving process that psychologists talk about (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance), but it’s different for everyone. Some people focus on different aspects than others. For instance, in my opinion:

Show ▼