I’d advise you to stay away from this post if you haven’t read Onani Master Kurosawa, since this is quite spoilerish, the images especially! You can turn off/disable the images if you like, but then you’ll be reading a BLOCK OF TEXT that way www

Of Afterglows and Afterglooms

The week-long camp is over, and right now I’m feeling both the afterglow and the aftergloom of the said experience.

It was great, a clear sign that I am officially back on track with my life, back from being a lost little backslider sheep. During that short span of time I got close to a number of people, and felt my whole world expand in the process. Meeting people from all over the country who shares your belief was a joy; meeting people who are also friends and acquaintances of my baka aniki#2 made it even more rewarding, as it bridged the gap between us siblings (and no it’s not simply because he shouldered my camp fee). Not completely just yet, but getting there. Not to mention my brother was like my cheat sheet into getting acquainted with some of the delegates since I could be so conveniently introduced as “baka aniki #2’s sister” (since my brother is quite active in this nationwide event, being one of the coordinators for the past years or so), and they would go “Oh! you’re [baka aniki#2]’s sister!” yep, that’s me! *flash smile* But I digress.

With all the activities in the camp — the games, messages from our guest speakers, devotional study time and all that — I was once again reminded of how it feels like to be part of something BIG (the aniblogging community made me feel this too), grandeur but humbling at the same time.

The afterglow of the event was, in short, THIS.

After more than a decade of dormancy, my Murasaki kokoro no tamago (or should I say, Magister kokoro no tamago?) has become alive again (like omg I can strike a conversation with people? Make them laugh? Steer my way into conversations so as to not feel out of place?), and it’s apparent in my bubbly genki self. Some people would probably find it hard to believe that I was once a very aloof girl. Or so that’s what this one guy — who laughed at me when I told him I’m actually shy and aloof and not really good at socializing — thought. Well, that’s a good sign I guess, though I’d say remarks like this shows how that person doesn’t know me down to the core [of my inferior self].

Feels like I’ve been picking up shards of my lost confidence in the recent years, allowing me to step out of my overly self-conscious shell, slowly but surely. But time and again, my gloomy self creeps in, and I revert back to the irresolute aloof nerdy wallflower I used to be — confidence crushed, sense of existence shrunk, unable to assert myself and show my true face. That, or I turn into a snot-nosed elitist brat who trash talks people in her mind, soiling them in the confines of her skewed head (and to think I only have one *ahem*). Needless to say, I found myself in this situation (or these situations) in the camp — the aftergloom of the whole experience, which happens as my inferior introvert shadow kicks in and gets the better of me.

The Inferior Introvert Shadow Lurking Within, and Without

Introverts have a knack for observing — observing people, observing their surroundings — and at times, this becomes a double-edged sword. On one hand we’re able to think wisely and reflect before any decision, and, on the other, we end up overthinking that it hampers our actions. In my case I ended up prejudiced against some people who I thought weren’t exactly in the camp for the right reasons — guys who seem to be hitting on the beautiful single ladies (because, y’know, this camp is like the perfect opportunity to find a mate, since it’s a [Filipino-]Chinese Christian Camp and all), people texting/SMS-ing in the middle of a solemn message from the pastor, people shouting/”singing” during the singspiration which makes me uncertain as to whether they’re really feeling the songs and want you to LISTEN TO THEIR SONG, or they’re just doing it for the lulz, to attract attention, “singing” the song without their soul — and it clouded my perception of them.

There are also those who I judged based on their answers in one Ice Breaker Q&A session, some of whom made me question their faith, and others who generally made me doubt the sincerity of their answers.

No matter what excuses I give, no matter how much I try concealing these vile thoughts trapped in my mind, what’s done is done. I judged them, I soiled them. Even when I’m not supposed to have the right to judge anyone just like that. The least I can do is to not let this consume me and be open to the possibility that I’ll be proven wrong once I’ve gotten to know these people better. If I turn out to be right, then I owe it to them to show my true face and not be a hypocrite, tell them what I want to say, and not pretend to like them when I really don’t. Unless I admit to my mistakes and take responsibility for my actions, there’s no way I can be redeemed from my sins. As Harold Sala says, responsibility and redemption are two sides of the same coin.

2DT said in his comment that “the tightrope walk between feeling superior and feeling soul-crushingly lonely is something all us geeks deal with.” True that, though in my case, it’s more of the tightrope between feeling superior and inferior, as opposed to just loneliness. I have walked the said tightrope, and I still do, stumbling every now and then. This isn’t anything surprising, considering I haven’t even reached Magister-level metamorphosis, which, pardon me for generalizing, makes me even more prone to lapses compared to the more evolved version of myself. Operation: Rebuild Self-confident Naritai Jibun is still in progress, and it helps to know that I am (not) alone. But I digress yet again.

Back in the camp, there were activities which required us to work as a team. In an ideal scenario, teamwork would flourish; each of the members are united in one goal, working together hand-in-hand, tralalala happy desu~ But sadly, this was not the case. We had a competent leader, but with the pressure, the time constraint especially, it’s easy to fall into the trap of taking the spirit of teamwork and fun for granted, favoring competitiveness, stressfulness, or what have you. The assertive ones contribute their ideas, which can either be overpowered by the opinion of even more assertive members, or accepted by the team. Some voices end up drowned in the sea of ideas, and are left with no choice but to conform despite their silent protests.

The activity turned out to be fun, for the most part. Some of my teammates were such a joy to work with; despite the whole tension present as we were practicing for the cheer-dance “competition”, they remained cool, calm and composed, cracking jokes every now and then. We learned to poke fun at our very own situation, following each complaint we’d make with “submit to authority, people~” (since this was one of the main topics tackled in our devotional study). In the end, though, I can’t help but feel alienated from the team. The kind of feeling where all of us would want to hug each other after the performance, win or lose, was just… not there. I could’ve hugged some of my teammates who made me feel I was really part of the team, but in a holistic Team Spirit Hug sense, not quite.

I can’t really blame anyone else but myself for not being assertive enough to instill a change within the team, to turn the tide of pressure into a wave of positive change, for the real deal epic teamwork. Actually, I thought I already was capable of this, or so that’s how it seemed like at work where I’ve grown to be competent and able to work well in a team. But now I realize that I owe this mostly to my colleagues who are great team players, with leaders humble enough to listen to what the other members have to say, and members who are willing to lend a hand for the achievement of the team’s goals — No one left behind, members supporting other members — teamwork and love abounds.

Exposed to a different environment, and I become a fish out the water, crippled more than ever. And this isn’t the only time it happened in the camp.

Based from my experience, or recent developments in my life, I can safely say that I can talk to just about anyone, EXCEPT, those who have this hostile aura around them that I can’t seem to break; the kind of people who put up some sort of wall, leaves you wondering if they just want you to care enough to knock it down, or because they don’t really like you (and no they don’t want you to convince themselves otherwise either). More often than not, when I sense that these people are unwelcoming of my presence (which I come to conclude after several failed attempts at having a conversation), I get intimidated. No matter how much I want to break the ice and have a friendly conversation, I end up unable to do so. Instead I freeze, chicken out, and realize just how powerless I am. I want to chat up, but it feels like they want me to chut up instead, so what am I to do?

Perhaps I’m just not used to dealing with this kind of situation, trying to strike a conversation with someone and it doesn’t quite flow because he/she doesn’t seem the least bit interested in talking to me. At one point I’d wonder if there’s anything I did wrong, or anything I did that didn’t sit well with this person, why I’m being ignored; but after a while — to save me from any more agony — I just tell myself, “well, if this person is not interested in talking to me, then fine. Whatever. And nothing of value was lost.” But the whole tension — the barrier of ice that I still want to break — remains. And before I knew it, I’ve become my old overly self-conscious and inferior self again.

Up until now I still wonder, what’s the best thing to do in situations like this? Do I simply respect these people’s personal space by refraining myself from talking to them? Should I not be affected? Should I not care? Should I not go the extra mile of befriending them, attempt to break the wall, despite the possibility of being rejected over and over? And what if the said person is actually friendly and close to other people, including my own friends, but not to me?

I’m no Magister; I’m no Nagaoka either. I don’t have the charisma that these people have; I’m not able to make friends with just about anyone, irregardless of who they are (in the genuinely-befriending people sense, not the one wrapped in hypocrisy). I’m judgmental, and I’m also a coward.

But the thing is, people like Magister and Nagaoka weren’t born overnight. I’m not sure about Nagaoka since we didn’t see much of his back story, but Magister… we see her evolve from her gloomy self to this wonderful woman brimming with confidence and cheerfulness. And if she could do it, then so can I, right? Yeah yeah, feel free to laugh at me for looking up to a 2D character as my role model.

Magister is not perfect, neither is Nagaoka, Kurosawa and Kitahara, and neither is every single person on the face of this earth. There’s no such thing as a perfect human being, and 100% evolution is not effin’ possible either. We were born as flawed human beings, each with his/her own strengths and weaknesses; We go through this cycle called life, we learn to overcome some of these weaknesses and develop even more strengths. Consequently, we also develop even more weaknesses and lose some of the strengths we used to have throughout this course. But that’s the great thing about it. We were designed to be weak so we’d learn to not simply rely on ourselves, so that we may be humbled in everything that we do.

Trials and challenges in life never ends, but so does our ability to evolve. We might regress, but for sure, we can always progress, for as long as we choose to.

“Like courage, confidence is not the absence of fear, but rather, taking action or moving forward in spite of it.” There’s a whole slew of factors affecting one’s development of self-confidence, not to mention different personalities each person is born with or acquire as he/she gets older. But in the end, it all boils down to having courage — taking little steps of courage in each and everything that we do. Many times, the answer to problems in life is but simple, but as we run away from our fears and choose not to deal with it head-on, we make things seem more complicated than it really is. Why though? The workings of the human mind is complex indeed, complex yet simple at the same time.

The Answer Lies Within

Through the course of writing this post, I think I’ve found the answers to the questions I posed (doesn’t mean I need your insights less, so please don’t hesitate to share your thoughts!). Try as I might, I can’t expect all people to like me. That’s wishful thinking; a delusion that’ll only make me a people-pleaser hypocrite. I don’t want to be hated, no one wants to be hated. But that doesn’t mean I should let this fear hold me back from doing what I want, from showing who I really am. I should never ever let fear be the basis of any of my decisions. I owe it to myself to show my true face; whether people end up hating or disliking me is another thing, but in the end, that won’t change my worth as a person, for as long as I’m confident and secure with who I am.

More than wanting to be liked by people, what I should strive for is to get the real me out of its shell, no fears, no doubts. Moments of awkward silence in talking to people — especially with those I barely know — is inevitable. I’d also have to keep in mind that each and everyone has his/her own unique personality; just because I am able to talk to some people so easily doesn’t mean it’ll be the same for others, and just because a certain person responds differently compared to the rest of the people I’ve interacted with doesn’t mean I’m hated or that there’s anything wrong with me.

Some might seem naturally gifted with the ability to effortlessly talk to people (a people-magnet), but in the end it’s all about confidence, and having a genuine interest to connect to people (if that’s what I really want). And it can be developed. Those who are so secure with their identity (and have that right balance of confidence and humility) will have little or no problems in dealing with other people because they’ve got far less concerns than those who aren’t; they’re not afraid of making blunders, they couldn’t care less what people think about them, and with less things to worry about, they’re able to enjoy just about every moment of they’re life — may it be in the company of friends, strangers, or even the lack of company. They’re able to show their unmasked selves without worrying about anything.

And this has digressed into a How to Win Friends and Influence People ripoff of a post, hoo boy. So much for being carried away. Anyways.

Despite whatever I say here, I’m sure to experience stumbling blocks along the way — stumble and fall, eat my own words, etc. — but with every stumbling block comes the opportunity to rise up again, and become a stronger and better individual in the process. Forever in pursuit of the lost shards of my confidence I shall be, all for the sake of rebuilding my True Blue Naritai Jibun. And who knows, I might just be able to become a Catcher in the Rye in the process

Brief Afterword

Writing posts for Onani Master Kurosawa as though squirting my juice all over it, not wiping a single trace of my cum shots for people to see the magnificent stage of my performance(s). This is my justice. FEELS SO GOOD.

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